So I had a dream last night. I remember very little of it. I remember it being a bad or not so great dream, I remember some of the people in it and I remember the main characters and I know I tossed and turned a lot. I also know that during this dream my legs kept cramping up. I get leg cramps every so often. I have no idea what causes them. And today I’m tired! So I didn’t sleep well at all. Makes for a long day and a tired brain. And a blog.
I remember a Christmas party many years ago. It was a massive very detailed event and I was I thought handling it great. Until the bottom fell out and everything started to go south. Still keeping my cool and remaining calm, I went down to the ballroom to make some last minute changes to some seating arrangements. My sister and a really good friend of mine were there at the time. For some reason I was going from one side of the room to the other for something and I “ran” up a set stairs. All of a sudden both my legs cramped simultaneously and all I could do was lower myself down to the ground and in a panic attempt to take my boots off. With help, I got them off and spent the rest of the night walking on tippy toes to relieve the pressure on the muscles that had clearly locked right up. Then I got into the sauce and felt no pain and before you knew it I was putting the boots back on and dancing up a storm. I spent 2 weeks limping, it was as if I had torn the muscles, yet I had done next to nothing to cause the cramp. Stress, dehydration, not enough calcium, you name it, I thought it, was told it and yet I never really knew what the deal was. I’ve had that happen several times since some times worse than others.
So last night or I guess this morning as I was dreaming, my legs were cramping which was weird?! Stressful dream maybe?. Wish I could remember that dream. What I do know is I woke up with this horrible feeling of regret.
People say you should just move on, not look back, and don’t regret anything. It was meant to happen the way it did. Easier said than done though right?
You hear people always say, I wish I had told them how I felt, or I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye, or I wish I would have, next time I’m going to – there is always something it seems…or is it just me? This regret I’m speaking of was something that happened not so long ago, yet I regret the way I chose to deal with it and now I’m left with this great feeling (note the sarcasm). I can’t change what’s been done. I can’t change my mind. I made the decision and now, well now I wish I had made it different and I have changed my mind but....whats done is done.
I regret my grad, if I could graduate again I’d do it all over again. I regret not travelling or saving money as much as I should have when I was younger, I regret not sticking up for myself sometimes, I regret letting go of potential relationships because of what people thought. I regret letting a friend tell me and believing her when she told me I wasn’t good enough for someone. I regret things I’ve done and ways I’ve acted sometimes and I work really really hard to try and let that all go. I can’t go back. I can’t change it or fix it either really. I just have to learn from it and keep going.
But honestly. If you could do things over again? Wouldn’t you?
I would. In a heartbeat. Sure not everything but I would - I would then, I would now.
Regret is interesting to me and I kinda wondered what the official definition was. I “think” I know what it means but thought I’d better check…..so…..
re•gret (ri gret′)
transitive verb regretted -•gret′•ted, regretting -•gret′•ting
1. to feel sorry about or mourn for (a person or thing gone, lost, etc.)
2. to feel troubled or remorseful over (something that has happened, one's own acts, etc.)
Origin: ME regretten < OFr regreter, to bewail the dead < re- + Gmc base as in OE gretan, ON grata, Goth gretan, to weep
noun
1. a troubled feeling or remorse over something that has happened, esp. over something that one has done or left undone
2. sorrow over a person or thing gone, lost, etc.
It’s that feeling when you say no to something you’re not sure or convinced you should when everything in you and your heart is saying yes. Then when you change your mind often it’s too late. It’s that feeling when you say hurtful things to someone you love and instantly wish you could take it back. It’s that horrible feeling you get when you are presented an incredible opportunity yet you choose to walk away from it. Gut or intuition? Right or wrong morals? Ethics & beliefs?
So why do we regret anything? If when we turn down offers, or say hurtful things, or just go with the flow why don’t we feel at peace with that? What is it in us that allows us to walk away or be defensive. If it was meant to be, wouldn’t it then just happen and fall into place? I believe in the law of attraction but what if you believe there is a time and place for everything? What if by saying no, you’re pushing back against what the universe is saying loud and clear to you, that the universe is SCREAMING at you that YES YES YES don’t say no?! Why push so hard?
I personally think its fear. Fear in some is stronger than in others. Those who have been hurt in the past aren’t as quick to trust and I don’t mean trust the other person(s), I mean trust themselves. Some don’t move forwards or go for what they want because of confidence issues. You’re not good enough, skinny enough, pretty enough, smart enough, talented enough etc. etc. But you KNOW in your heart you are all those things and you deserve the very things you want in life. Yet you let the voices in your head tell you to back off, stay away or turn it down. You don’t look for more money in a job, you walk away from potentially amazing relationships, you say things you don’t mean, you hurt people without trying to, you stay in a career that makes you feel trapped and you wish you could do different. You walk away from job offers, relationships, family members, friends. You say one thing and feel the other. Or you say one thing, feel it but regret ever saying it. You want one thing but settle for less or nothing.
But you know you could, you know you could have what it is you want, you know you could land that job, be in that relationship, you could have in life everything you wanted if you didn’t decide to “walk away” from it.. So you regret it. How do you get out of this vicious circle? I suppose you have to walk straight into the wall of fear or the denial and bust its doors down.
I haven’t really yet figured that out. I would do a lot of things differently. I would also not change a lot of things.
But to make a decision and think it’s the right one and feel like its not. Heart and Brain…totally not talking to each other. That sucks.
Why is it that the one thing you’ve wanted for as long as you can remember could all of a sudden be right in front of you but you deny it, you don’t believe it you don’t feel worthy. And then you loose it. And then….YUP you regret that you didn’t act, didn’t move faster, didn’t say or do what you should have.
What I do know is I don’t like the feeling I woke up with this morning. I don’t like regretting decisions I’ve made and I would do anything to go back and knock down those walls.
But…I suppose if it was meant to happen for me. A second chance is right around the corner. Or so says the Universe….and instead of backing down, I’m walking straight into those walls this time and I won't be hitting them on my way through....going straight through.
