His heart grew and grew and nearly burst with joy and love.....

So this morning I woke up early.  It's a Sunday.  Normally a pretty laid back and lazy day for me.  This morning I was up at 7:00 am.  And I wasn't tired nor did I feel lethargic. It's a weird feeling but as a work in progress I think I am now figuring out why that is.  And so, I posted a tweet this morning that said:  "Up and at em. Two weekend days in a row I'm up before 7. Tomorrow? Not likely. Not nearly excited abt day job as I am life ;)"

Today, I was up early to take part in Homeless Connect.  I had no idea what to expect and honestly I had wondered what the hell I was thinking volunteering all by myself, no organizations, no friends, no colleagues.  I just found Homeless Connect several months ago and decided to join.  All by myself.

To say the "old me" urge to want to bail and go to the webcast concert that was being held today by my favourite boy band and spend the afternoon with my gals wasn't far from my mind.  As a youngen, I may have even done so, bailed on a committment that scared me, overwhelmed me, felt more daunting than I was really willing to acknowledge.  I mean really, it's volunteering, you're not getting paid so surely they wouldn't miss me? Don't worry.
 I didn't.  A little more than a month ago, I got the email saying I was one of the Volunteers for the spring event of Homeless Connect and was asked to come the Saturday before for my assignment and orientation.

So yesterday I went.  I was suprised at how many people were there and I was the second shift of orientations for that day.  I learned I was going to be one of almost 400 volunteers.  Of that number, 100 of us had decided to stay the entire day.  My assignment was "breaks". 

As I read my job description I near panicked.  I was going to be relieving the breaks of every possible position potentially.  What if I wasn't comfortable with something? What if I wasn't good at something?  I sat there in quiet and wondered again, why had I decided to do this?

On my way to the event his morning, I had my mom drive me so I had next to nothing on me.  The less we came with the easier our day would be.  There was a room we could lock our stuff in, but I just thought, if I went with just some money and my phone I wouldn't need anything else.  And so at 8:30 am I arrived at Salon 4 at the Shaw Conference Centre.  I grabbed a muffin and a tea and I went to see how my day would go.

We had an hour orientation through the registration process - the most "intense" position we would work.  As part of registration, we were required to ask some pretty personal questions and needed to do so with tact and ease and with most importanly compassion.  The guests coming today were not required to answer this questionairre to participate in the day but it does help Homeward Trust the organization running the show compile data on homelessness.  I quietly prayed I wouldn't have to relieve a break in registration.  Give me anything else but put me in front of people and ask me to ask them super personal questions, no way.  That scared the hell out of me.  But there was a lot of of us, surely I would sneak through and be assigned a different area to "break".

We got our wrist ribbons that told our leads what our positions were and we headed upstairs to the Halls to see the big event and get familiar with the room and the services.  It was unreal.  Hall A, B & C were open wide for this entire event.  Some of the big and popular services offered today: Optometry, Dentistry, Hairstyling, Foot Care & Pharmacy care, immunizations, Public Library was there with books they could take, BMP Photography was there taking professional portraits, there were different financial agencies like AISH and other services like Alberta Registries to direct our guests on how to obtain ID, Alberta Health Care cards etc.  There was Counselling services, tax and legal services, housing agencies and many many many others.  And there was lunch.

So we got lined up into the registration area, a bunch of guests had arrived early and preregistered and they were coming in right at 10 am and would be looking for services.  Since I was one of the break team volunteers, we wouldn't need to relieve a break for a while so we became "guides".

Our job was to escort the guests as they came in to the area they most wanted to hit first.  If they were unsure, we would chat with them and try to suggest some areas.  As we moved in our line up and got assigned a guest, we would take them to the area they wanted, leave them on their own if that was their wish and we would get back into the line. 

I did this for an hour or so and was quite enjoying it.  Every so often after chatting with a guest, I would come back into the guide line and have to keep my emotions in check.  What an amazing experience this was becoming.  I have so much in my life, I spend nearly $200 to get my hair done, I have a house I know I can sleep comfortably in every night, I never worry when my next meal will be.  These people, some didn't know where they would be sleeping tonight, some couldn't wait to get their hair done and some, some hadn't eaten in days and wanted the lunch area to be open NOW!

Putting up the TeePee inside "Homeless Connect"

I don't know how many people I got to be a "guide for" but twice I had the pleasure of taking guests to the area they wanted to be at most first and as I parted ways with them, I would say "I hope you enjoy the rest of your day". Twice I heard them say to ME "thank you for volunteering and being here today".  Really?!  THEY are thanking me? It took almost everything I had in me to keep composed.  They have so little but they have so much gratitude for such a small act.

I was overwhelmed with a million emotions, I had wondered if I had made the right choice deciding to volunteer with Homeless Connect and as I walked these guests to the areas they needed, I couldn't help but think how close we all are to being just like them.  And I knew this was one of the best choices I made this year.

At 11 am this morning there was a Smudge Ceremony.  I had NO idea what a Smudge ceremony was but we had the option of attending it.  So I asked if I could and at the proper time I went outside with a bunch of other folks and saw a couple of gentlemen, one of which was referred to as the Elder.

What is a Smudge?
"Our Native elders have taught us that before a person can be healed or heal another, one must be cleansed of any bad feelings, negative thoughts, bad spirits or negative energy - cleansed both physically and spiritually. This helps the healing to come through in a clear way, without being distorted or sidetracked by negative "stuff" in either the healer or the client. The elders say that all ceremonies, tribal or private, must be entered into with a good heart so that we can pray, sing, and walk in a sacred manner, and be helped by the spirits to enter the sacred realm.

Native people throughout the world use herbs to accomplish this. One common ceremony is to burn certain herbs, take the smoke in one's hands and rub or brush it over the body. Today this is commonly called "smudging." In Western North America the three plants most frequently used in smudging are sage, cedar, and sweetgrass."
taken from: http://www.asunam.com/smudge_ceremony.html

So we were invited to get into a line up, one by one we walked up towards these Elders who were burning sweetgrass and had Eagle feathers in their hands.  As we stood in front of them, they both said what I would call prayers and we "scooped" the smoke of the sweetgrass over our heads, our heart and our body.  We cleansed our body's, our minds and our souls.

I was speechless.  It was so moving, so beautiful.  As I completed my turn, I stood in awe and watched everyone in the line up go up and particpate.  I ended up chatting with a fellow volunteer and as she told me how much it meant to her to be able to participate in a Smudge for the first time, tears came to her eyes.  She abruptly walked away and left me in near tears.

I composed myself, took a couple of pics and went back in to keep doing "my job". As I was back in line to be a guide, I got pulled out to relieve a break of someone on........registration.  Oh my god.  The one area I was petrified to do.  Introduce myself, ask their names, fill out a form, ask what Gender they identify with, ask how long they've been homeless and where they are now living. 

I had to do this with confidence, compassion.  I couldn't let my emotions show, I couldn't be shy or nervous.  I just had to go. 

The lady I was relieving was awesome and she asked if I had ever done registration to which I nervously laughed and said nope, but I'll figure it out.  By the time I had gotten to her spot, they had already sent a guest to register and there he was waiting for me.  So together, all three of us went through the questionairre and after questions 6, she said to me, "you are fine, I'm going for my break".  I registered 7 people before I was told it was my turn for a break.  One of the biggest "rules" was to maintain eye contact.  If you know me, then you know how hard that can be for me to do.  I've never been good with eye contact but today it was almost easy.

Every guest got a wrist band that gave them access to the event the entire time it ran without having to register again and they all got a "swag" bag.  I'd call this one a neccessity bag.   It was donated by Parlee McLaws and each guest got a reusable lunch bag full of personal toiletries based on their gender.  Everyone I saw register lit up when they got this bag.  One gentlement I was visiting with said he was just getting possession of his apartment on May 1st and he was going to go and use the little money he had left to buy these items at the dollar store.  Now he didn't have to.  Little things. They make a HUGE difference.

Is it possible for your heart to swell?  I kinda felt like the Grinch must of felt when he heard the Who's in Whoville singing the day Christmas "Didn't arrive".  His heart grew and grew and nearly burst with joy and love.  It sounds ridiculous but as I watched the faces of these folks as they came in, all I could think was "Thank GOD this service exists and I am a part of it today".

Put yourself in their shoes.  No food for days.  No idea where you'll sleep tonight, or tomorrow.  Doors slammed after doors slammed.  But today, they got what they needed or at minimum hopefully they were connected with the services they needed.  Today we were all the same, today, we were all connected and helping one another and today, no one was better than anyone else. 

One of the men I met at Registration.  He said he was 62 and I wouldn't have guessed he was more than 50.  He is my dad's age.

He was from England but had become a Canadian Citizen years ago.  He decided to move to Thailand and had just returned.  He was desperate to find a job.  He had even put himself through some courses to upgrade and improve.  Took a course on being a Security Guard.  His englilsh was perfect.  He could read, he was clean cut, dressed smartly and spoke well.  He told me he had enough money to maybe allow him two more nights at the YMCA and after that he had no idea where he was going to go.

He was looking for a job, he told me this story with nearly every question I asked him.  He was looking, he was doing everything he could to secure work.  He had the skills, the ability and the experience.  He was getting interviews and once the prospective employers interviewed him and garnered a guess at his age, he knew they wouldn't call him back.  Every week he sees the same job postings in the paper.  The same postings he's applied for and interviewed for.  But he's 62 and they all want someone younger.  Those calls backs for him, they aren't happening and in a couple of days, he'll be looking for a shelter to live in.  So his first service he wanted access to?  A hair cut. This man was clean cut, shaven and clean, but he believed a little less hair than he already had would maybe show the prospective employers he takes impeccible care of himself and maybe a clean cut short haircut would prove he was serious, especially because he was looking at being a Security Guard.  I knew exactly what he was hoping for.  The fact that he was trying so hard broke my heart.  We are nearing a labour shortage and here this more than capable man was getting a shorter hair cut hoping to up his odds and these employers interviewing him, sit without a worker still.  Discrimination in one of its worst forms and I was witnessing it first hand.

I didn't for a second doubt him.  My own employer has made such comments before about prospective employees and it breaks my heart everytime.  He's no liklier to jump ship than any young kid is.  In fact, my guess is an employer would get an on time, hard working, grateful and loyal employee out of this guy.  Something they may not get from a "young" person who is constantly looking for the next best thing.

We have things very screwed up in our society.  The very people who do this hiring, many are the age of the very folks they won't hire because of their age.  Makes you think? Or maybe it should!

I saw this gentlemen later in the afternoon with his new super short hair cut and he definately "cleaned up" good. I said a silent prayer for him as I watched him quietly walk out that his luck would change and that he'd find a job soon.

I also met a very shy quiet young lady named Chantel.  Her boyfriend Mike was at another table registering.  She was pregnant with a little girl they were going to name Angel.  I was going to be their guide and take them to their first service.  She really really wanted the photo.  Mike was hungry.  I suggested they go to the photo first and atleast get a number or a ticket to be called for a photo and then hit lunch.  But on the way to the photo area we stopped at a table that had a bunch of baby items, socks, penatene cream, baby shampoo, wipes etc.  Chantal quietly picked out each item with great care and thought.  I stood there and watched her take these items, she appeared humbled, grateful and maybe even a little bit relieved. 

I kept thinking about my family and my friends.  No one I know would ever need to come to this place to get these items.  Not on my watch at least.  I couldn't imagine how Chantel felt being at this event.

On my lunch break, I headed to the lunch area where everyone got to have a lunch and sit for a bit.  Turkey Chilli, baked potato and a bun.  Was delicious.  Sat with a couple of guests and fellow volunteers and had great convos.  I was humbled.  So many volunteers were like me, glowing with enthusiasm and there for their first time.  Turns out I wasn't the only one doing this on my own.  And for everyone of us "newbies" there was a repeat volunteer.  Some I spoke to had done it every time for the past 8 years, others this was their 4th, 5th, 2nd time.  It's impressive.

Much like my experience at iHuman (see below blog), I was quickly reminded that these "guests" were just like you and I.  They may live in a rough end of town, they may be addicted to drugs and alcohol and be troubled, but they are human. They have hearts and brains and they are PEOPLE who need nothing more than a little compassion, a little love and a little understanding.  I knew in the first hour this morning that this would be an event I would volunteer at as many times as I could (it happens twice a year).  And I kept thinking about how I could get more people to join me.

After lunch, I wandered around the venue and checked out some of the vendors and booths that were there.  Everything was so busy and there were so many smiles, the energy in there was electric.  I started to hover around BMP Booths where I watched Trevor Boller and his team work their photography magic taking family portraits or individual shots.  You and I have cameras, phones, videorecorders etc. etc.  On a recent trip to Mexico I took nearly 5000 photos, several with me in the shots.

Trevor today was taking pictures for people who for many, this was the only portraits of themselves, their families, those important to them they had or have ever had.  The stories of these pictures are worth a thousand words.  Trevor posted a photo tonight online that he had been given permission to use, it's an incredible photo of a man and his two beautiful young kids.  He had just gotten custody of them last year he said, that he was homeless but that Social Services helped him with housing and they struggled but were getting by. 

I was drawn to this booth partly because I was going over to say Hi but then I got stuck in the back hovering around just watching people when Trevor caught me and waved me over.  I spent a bit of time in their booth talking to both them and the folks getting their pictures, all of them with incredible stories and a huge excitement to share their photos.  A couple of people said "I've never had a picture of me".  Something so simple, something so common and yet a luxury not allotted to them ever.  Until today.

I went back to my post and realized the afternoon crew was in and the registration lines had died down a lot and not nearly as many guides or breaks were needed so after I took one last gentlemen to the lunch area, I bounced back to the BMP Booth and spent the rest of my afternoon with a huge smile on my face watching folks freeze frame who they are today, with as little as they have with HUGE smiles on their faces.

WHAT? do I have to be ungrateful for?  Absolutely NOTHING!

So in October, Homeward Trust will be hosting another Homeless Connect.  And I?  I will be there.

Someone asked me today how I came to be a Volunteer with Homeless Connect.  How the HECK did I find out about it?  Well at first I couldn't remember and then it slowly came back to me.

Back in the summer of 2011 (so last year) I was restless, those that know me, know that's a feeling I wrestle with a lot.  I felt like I needed "to do" something, that I needed to give back, volunteer my time, help somewhere.  But what? and where?

So I found a website.  It was Volunteer Edmonton if I remember right and it listed a whole bunch of agencies that utilize volunteers.  I skimmed the pages and a couple places I made note of and contacted.  I never did hear back from them but when I contacted Homeless Connect I did get a response from Sonya Helm. She said that the October event had enough volunteers and didn't need my help but that I should consider April's event. So I signed up for April.  And forgot about it.  I got the email like I said a little over a month ago that I would be indeed a volunteer this time around and as I stood in the line up this afternoon as a guide, feeling much more confident about being there, I spoke to one of the "lead volunteers" about her role and how I couldn't wait to come back in October.  She suggested I sign up as a lead. 

I may just do that.

In closing tonight as I was reading through my twitter feed, I saw this post, it sums up my day, my experience and the reason why I am so quickly feeling connected to the issue of homelessness:

People will forget what YOU said, people will forget what YOU did, but people will never forget how YOU made them feel -Maya Angelou

YOU MATTER.....THEY MATTER!!!

Inspiration in the most strange places.....

I need to start with some rather boring "Business" before I get to the heart of this blog.  So please, bare with me, stay engaged and just open your mind and your heart.  I did today and I can't help but think it changed me a bit.

I've recently become a member of JCI (Junior Chamber International), because of what JCI is and stands for, when I was asked to consider the role of a Director on the board, I quickly jumped at the opportunity.  My official title: Director of Community Development.  I've just started in this role and have been making appointments with organizations I think could use JCI's support, organizations that in ways, share similar visions and goals as JCI, organizations that are working HARD to make a difference in our community. 

My first appointment was with iHuman.  Have you heard of iHuman?  Did you know they are located in downtown Edmonton?  Right in the thick of the inner city?  Did you know that over 500 at risk youth are registered in their program.  These youth range in age from 12-24.  Did you know that they are often the ONLY agency that will assist these at risk youth once all the other agencies have given up?  Did you know iHuman is completely unique to Edmonton?

I didn't.  In fact a little over a month ago was the first time I had even heard the name iHuman.  It was brought up in a meeting I attended where several charities were up for consideration for a fundraising initiative.  Unfortunately, iHuman wasn't selected but my interest in the organization was peaked.

Here is some great info on iHuman:

"iHuman" - Our name comes from an Inuit term identifying the symbiotic relationship of the individual within the collective community; 'one for all and all for one'.

The iHuman Youth Society is a registered non-profit, charitable organization founded by two local Edmonton artists in 1997.  Stemming from a millennium art exhibit and project known as "the gun sculpture" (which you can see at the Prince of Wales Armoury), high risk youth became interested in art and with guidance from our founders, began working on their own exhibit on anti violence called "red tear".  Both exhibits were displayed concurrently at the Alberta Gallery of Art.  Following the completion of the exhibits the youth petitioned to continue to express their voices through art, thus the iHuman Youth Society was established.

The mandate of iHuman is to engage Edmonton's high risk and at risk youth in arts that lead to positive social change.  They are a youth-driven agency that develops programs solely for youth, responding to their changing needs and using art as a positive engagement tool.  They promote the re-integration of the youth into the community through arts mentorship, crisis intervention and targeted programming.  iHuman serves 500 youth in the city of Edmonton between the ages of 12-24, with the majority being between 15-21. 

500 youth!

500!

So going to iHuman today, I learned from the website prior that they worked with at risk youth, that they offered programs in art and that they were making positive changes, mentoring these kids into leaders.

Leaders that may one day be your boss, your co-worker, your friend.

What I didn't know is how that visit today was going to effect me.  After all, it was just a meeting.  iHuman is working on building leaders through mentorship programs, JCI is all about leadership and mentoring.  So it seemed like it could be a good fit.

I had contacted Catherine, the Executive Director to arrange a meeting.  She was quick to respond to my email and we quickly set up a meeting where I could come down and actually see what they did.  I had no idea.

They are located on 96 Street and 101 Avenue.  She suggested I park a block away where I wouldn't have to pay for parking.

As I got close to their location, I quickly spotted the building.  You can't miss the art work hanging on all sides of the building.  It looks like large frames of graffiti and it's bright, colorful and it's moving. 

She wasn't kidding, parking was a block away and for a few moments, I reconsidered this option.  I was downtown, in the inner city.  Not really a safe place for me to be.  Was this really a smart decision?  I parked and I put my big girl panties on and I walked the block through the neighbourhood you wouldn't EVER catch me walking alone in, alone.

When I arrived at iHuman, I quickly noticed all the paint, art supplies and the "artsy" feel to thefront studio.  Far from fancy, shiny or sparkling.  This building is old, used and well worn.  I'm sure the walls have stories we could only ever imagine. 

As soon as I opened the door, a lady greeted me and I must have looked like a fish out of water.  Catherine was warm, friendly and welcoming.  Very quickly, any reservation I had was out the window. 

She gave me a little tour. Upstairs was her office, next to it, a room that looked like a board room but a room that most likely serves several purposes, and a kids room for their mom's group, full of kids toys and books.

That's right.  Let the circle be unbroken.  Many of these kids are having kids.  So they have a mom group that was meeting at 5.  Professional childcare is provided for the wee ones while the mom's can work on their studies, art or programming.  The main level housed their art studio and fashion room as well as a kitchen that is serviced by the Edmonton Food Bank.

In the basement, a performing stage and a place for aspiring musicians to jam, a place for their drama program to play out.  They have a program that teaches businesses that are in high risk areas, as well as social workers that work with these youth, how to speak to them.  How to actually see who they are and how to properly interact with them.  They are educating.

How do you describe a place like this without seeing it.  My heart was heavy, but the inspiration flowing in there was incredible.  The energy should have been heavy and sad.  It was the exact opposite.

After my meeting with Catherine, my brain was flying with ideas on how we could help them and get involved.  As we walked out of her office, we walked right past a bunch of the moms and their little ones.  Little ones being brought into the very life that iHuman is fighting to get their mom's and dad's out of.

And then it hit me.  THESE ARE KIDS!  They were born to this world, some of them under horrid circumstances.  Some never got a fighting chance from day one.  And here they were.  Fighting.  Trying.  Living.  Creating.

And these kids, are in MY BACKYARD.  They are the kids I was scared of when I was walking from my car.  They are the kids I'm scared of when you see them walking in groups.  But here's the thing.  They are kids.

Kids who haven't been given a chance, many from day one.  Kids who struggle with addiction, homelessness, and mental illness.  Kids who were born to FAS because their mom couldn't see past the bottle long enough to put it down and keep their BABIES healthy.  Kids who have gone through life alone, who have had to fight and who have had to find a way to survive.

Kids who have been lost in the system, who have been turned away from other agencies and organizations.  Who have had more doors slammed in their faces than you and I ever will.

Kids who are BEYOND talented, resilient and strong.  Kids who have reached out to iHuman because they want change.  Because they dream of something better, something bigger.  Kids who want to break the cycle.

And these kids folks, they are HERE in Edmonton. 500 of them!!! and Catherine tells me that many of the kids they take in, come to them because the other organizations have slammed their doors on these kids.  They are just "too much" to handle.

For iHuman, there isn't a "too much".  Everyone is welcome.  Everyone is part of a family.  You see many don't have a mom, dad or real sisters and brothers.  But on the street, they build families like you and I build "families" with our friends and networks.

At iHuman, they celebrate one day clean, the success of qualifying for AISH (Assured Income for the Severely Handicapped), they celebrate small steps, they work with these kids during incredible unimaginable crisis's, they go to court with them, counsel them, feed them, nurture them, support them, celebrate their individuality, their talents.  And they work hard.

My mind was spinning.  They have many amazing success stories, youth who have completed the iHuman program and have gone on to be amazing successful professionals, labourers, entrepreneurs.  iHuman is an organization in Edmonton working hard to create positive change.  Working hard to mentor future leaders, future fully contributing members of society. THEY my friends, are making a difference.  One human at a time.

I was inspired.  I was moved.  I left iHuman with a million ideas rolling through my head of how JCI might be able to help.  How I might be able to help. 

These people may not be from my walk of life, we don't have the same experiences and we haven't been given the same luxuries but they are my peers.  And they are here.  In my backyard.  In my hometown. 500!  I just can't get over how unacceptable that number is to me.  One is too many.  500 youths in SERIOUS need of help?  Unacceptable. And consider this:  iHuman is ONE of a handful of agencies that support youth at risk.  500 are registered at iHuman, I can't help but wonder what the actual stat is for Edmonton at risk youth.  What I do know. It's TOO MANY!

So as I was walking out, full of hope and inspiration, Catherine introduced me to Jaime.  She warned me.  She told me this guy oozed charisma.  He was one of their success stories and he was going places.  You could see the excitement in her as she spoke about him.  And then I met him.

Our meeting was no more than 2 minutes, 3 maybe at most.  Jaime, I am quite certain is a person I will never forget meeting.  I was told he was a success story.  Now a graduate and mentor to the iHuman program, helping the youth coming up behind him, change their lives like he has.

He stood up, shook my hand and was as genuine as they get.  I told him a little bit about JCI and how I thought our leadership and mentoring initiatives was potentially a great fit with iHuman and he quickly told me about an initiative he is working on.  He is planning a cycling across Canada trip from Victoria to Newfoundland and gave me one of his flyers.  Jaime needs sponsors.  But more than that, his plan is to spread awareness.  To speak to communities about addiction, the cycle and how he himself broke that cycle.  And as he says, "There is life outside of this vicious cycle".

I had asked Catherine to come speak briefly at our next JCI event to let us all in on the great things iHuman does and how we could help and she asked if Jaime could come.  He lit up.  Said he LOVED networking.  Was totally interested in coming to visit us.

I took 2 of his flyers and promised I would share them.  Jaime has been clean and sober for 3 years this past January.  He has spent time in Jail.  Today?  Jaime got a reference letter from the Solicitor General for a talk he did.

Jaime is an inspiration.  If I had met him at a JCI event, or even on the street, I would have chatted with him in a heart beat.

Yet, his peers, those he's mentoring now,  I feared on my walk to iHuman.

We are a society that forgets the forgotten.  THAT, my friends, has to change.  I'm going to join their team somehow and try to help.  I don't yet know how, but these youth like our privileged youth are our NEXT Leaders.  They are our future.  So, whether you live in a 3 storey mansion or the inside of a box, the thing is this:  YOU MATTER, THEY MATTER.

And 500 is simply too many.

The several pieces of artwork on this blog article were done by iHuman youths.  Incredible talent!  Interested in learning more about iHuman and how you can help?
www.ihuman.org

Interested in learning about Jaime's story and his "Riding 4 Mentors, Cycling 4 Change" initiative, please visit his blog: http://riding4mentors.blogspot.com/2012/02/introduction.html

This was my first stop in my new role.  Next stop(s), Operation Friendship Seniors Society, The Schizophrenia Society of Alberta, Junior Achievement; the Youth Emergency Shelter Society (YESS) among several others.
If you're interested in what JCI is all about, check us out here:  www.jciedmonton.com

I end this blog with a quote from Jaime: 
"Hope is a small seed, yet Hope can make a world of difference.  I aim to make that difference in the world."

Love for No Reason.......

Today for some reason has been a tough one.  Every now and again, memories flood my brain and they consume me.  I've always been like this.  Especially with memories I felt intense emotion with.  I'm not a fan.  But it's who I am.  Take it or leave it.  I have a photographic memory and a photographic heart.

I've also been toying about writing a book and in toying with this idea I've also been re-hashing a lot of things - I'm super good at that. Give me a past and I will remember it.  I've been talking about writing this book for what feels like forever.  I have no idea where to start, I want it to be a forgiving, loving book but it's content really isn't.  I want to write about a kind of relationship experience that I'm sure many have experienced.  About intense love, incredible loss and the breakdown of a trusting long term friendship.  Seems generic enough?  I promise - this is no generic story.

It's a book about life lessons, ignored signs, manipulation, selfishness, longing, lust and love. It's about friendship, betrayal, trust, and grief.  It's about life.  In the span of 3 years I have managed to experience every single emotion I believe known to man.  I've slide up one side of that hill and plummeted straight down to the bottom.

I've had some amazing highs and some incredible lows.  I have loved.  And I have lost.

So is this book about not getting "over" things or allowing me to dwell in the past?  Well I don't believe you "get over" "things" and I'm not dwelling in the past.  I believe that you eventually learn and grow and find better ways of dealing with your emotions.  I believe that you slowly lean back into life and keep living.  You always remember, the degree of your feeling diminishes but you never really forget.  You learn, you live, you love, you share and eventually you remember again how to dance.  I believe I have a story to be told.

So you take all those positive words and notions  and throw in the negative words and what are you left with?? That's right, a really bad headache.  A book with no beginning and no end.

BUT, that can't be.  The drive to write this thing naws and nags at me every day.  I think; maybe I just want to write it to tell *my* story, to "get over" it, to put it to bed once and for all.  Or maybe it's to tell someone else's story.  Maybe I want to write this so that I can believe again.  Maybe I want to write this so that I can make sense of it.  Maybe its because I feel like my side of the story has yet to be told.  Maybe it's to restore the beliefs I once had.  Maybe, maybe it's so that if someone else reads it, they won't feel alone like I did.  Maybe I should just shelf the idea indefinately and call it the end.

But what?.  What about this experience is nagging at me unlike anything else before?? Was it the raw emotion?  The hope for something amazing?  Was it because I had never before experienced emotion like I had with this experience?  Was it because of the loss I felt, because of the frustration, because of the love?.  And why did I feel such a loss, why do I call it love?  Was it the loss of an ideal; the way I thought things could be, the loss of a dream or was it the loss of heart and true love.

I don't know what it is. I just know somehow someway I have to write this thing. 

I had a title all picked out.  It was a play on words, it was brilliant in my opinion but it focused on the negative in a way I'm not so convinced it should go.  I don't want the story I'm going to tell to focus all on the negative - there will be enough negative in this story, using a negative title won't do it any more justice. 

So what if I change that thought process.  Look at the whole experience the way I have been struggling to look at it.  What if I looked at it not from the ugly place and thing it became, but from a place of where it started? From a place of love.  A place of peace.  A place of trust.  What if I start it at the beginning.  What if........

My Butterfly Circus

So I've been tardy with the blogging.  Seems I get "blogged" down with life and chronicling my life just isn't a priority.  Or is it?

Today something happened that was blog worthy.  Well really, lots in my life is worth writing about but today I saw a short film that resonated with me in a way I haven't experienced in a while.

At work lately we are working on building Teams through Leadership.  Learning about Leadership, learning about how to work with people and how to look to yourself for the solutions to your everyday hardships and problems.

For example, you have a conflict with a fellow coworker or friend.  Very quickly we lay blame on the other party but really, is it not in our reactions that we are the most vulnerable.  What if we understood where the other person was coming from.  Would we react the same way?  If we just took a second to consider it.

So the person in charge of teaching us these Leadership skills at work lately knows I LOVE learning and I'm like a sponge with this kind of thing.  I love learning about people, I love learning about myself and I am on a road to trying to be a better person, a better daughter, a better sister, friend and lover.  I have a lifetime of lessons to learn and if someone is willing to teach....well I have open ears and heart.

He came to me this afternoon and recommended I watch a video.  It's a short film called "The Butterfly Circus".  He simply said, "It's "MY" Journey" meaning his journey not mine.  I opened the link and learned it was 20 minute video so opted to watch it after work.  I was grateful for that decision after watching it.

When you watch the movie (link provided below), please keep an eye on the "limbless man".  Watch his eyes.  If eyes are the window to someones soul, this man deserves an Oscar because it is as if he doesn't even need to act to display his feelings.

I saw the "Leadership" message in the film.  The Circus Ring Leader with both Circus's are perfect examples of the kinds of people we have in our lives.  We have people who knock us down and we have people who lift us up.  But why do we allow one more than the other into our lives?

What makes us not believe we are loved enough, valued enough, skinny enough, pretty enough, smart enough, talented enough, funny enough......

Why is it we believe people?  People who want to knock us down, people who don't care about us.  Often it is those people we entrust our "lives" to.  We don't aspire to do better or be better because someone made us feel or told us we couldn't be.  And WE BELIEVE IT.

Yes, often times we are strong enough to push these people aside, we choose not have them in our lives, but often we are so vulnerable we don't believe we deserve better.

"You're not sophisticated enough", "You think you're a good father? / Mother?" "Do you REALLY think he's attracted to girls like you", "I'm so not his/her type", "I can't do better", "Maybe I don't deserve more".

SELF DEFEATING Thoughts.  Thoughts we have put in our heads or people have put in our heads for us.  Thoughts we have chosen to believe in moments of weakness.

But then there are the people in your life.  In your Butterfly Circus.  They lift you up, they make you believe you can do better, be better.  Their mere presence in your life makes you want to do better. 

You believe you deserve good things.  You feel empowered.  THESE are the people we need in our lives.  These are the people we should listen to. 

I have been so fortunate in my life to have a Butterfly Circus of my own.  It's a small group of people who believe in me, who believe I can do and accomplish anything and with them beside me, I feel like I have.  At different parts of my life they have played different roles but they are my absolute diamonds in my life.  They have made me feel beautiful.  They have made me feel successful, they have stood by me and believed in me when I didn't believe in myself.  Most of them, stand by me still.
I love my Butterfly Circus.  I might be the oddest of the bunch but I'm learning and growing everyday and I know I never want to be part of a Circus Sideshow.  I'm worth more than that.

I hope you enjoy the video as much as I did.  The meanings and metaphors in this small clip are countless.

http://thebutterflycircus.com/short-film/

Tell me the Truth......

Feeling a little creative tonight.  Haven't written in this blog for sometime now because I've been focused on my physical health and spent a bit of time working on my other blog (about health) and even that I've neglected really.  It's sad.  Sometimes I wish I didn't get bored physically writing with paper and pen.  I might actually keep a diary if I enjoyed writing as much as I do typing my writing.

Ramble, Ramble Ramble.  So tonight's topic.  Truth.  Trust.

What is Truth? What is Trust?

The traditional definition of  Trust is: Firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character of a person or thing.

So we learn to trust people.  Do we intrinsically trust them.  Does trust take time or is it that spidey sense we get when we first meet someone.

You might trust someone to not hurt you, use you or lie to you.  You might trust someone with your life.  But every relationship is based on trust.  You go into a relationship and not just the romantic type trusting that you are trusted.

Wow did that make any sense?

Okay.  So here is the thing.  When you first meet someone.  You get a feeling.  It's immediate.  In split seconds you decide whether or not that person is someone you can trust.  Over time you learn they either are, or aren't.

Often relationships are formed.  Incredible friendships, lovers, life long partners.  Sometimes you feel good about the person you meet but nothing turns out.  No future relationship of any kind.  You literally pass like ships in the night. 

But often relationships are formed.  Years of learning about someone, sharing with someone, believing someone.  You LEARN to trust them.

And in the blink of an eye, it can all fall apart.

Trust is a funny thing.  It's funny because it's not really ever talked about until it becomes an issue.

I personally pride myself on keeping very few people close to my heart.  I have entrusted my deepest inner thoughts to no more than a handful of people in my life.  I, with no hesitation or limit believe these people are people I can TRUST with everything in me.  They are people I have made a pledge to keep in my life because with them I feel a deep connection.  I know that what I say or tell them is safe with them.  Or so I thought.

Not so long ago, this was tested.  Sadly it continues to be tested. 

What happens when someone that trusts you, decides they can't anymore.  They doubt you, they change the way they see you and think about you.

Never in my life have I been told anything worse than "I don't trust you".  Breaks my heart to hear those words.  Especially when they come out of the mouth of someone you have full faith and trust in.

So.......story time:

A long time ago, I told someone a story about me.  It was a story about a time in my life when I wasn't so proud of myself.  My confidence was horrible and I was hurt.  I did something that was stupid and childish.  It doesn't matter what that story is, what does matter is that I told this story to someone who I trusted with every fiber in my body.  I told this story because I could relate to a situation that said person was going through.

I trusted that the story  I was telling wouldn't be held against me, that I wouldn't be judged by it.  I told it to relate.  I told it because I had decided that this person was safe in keeping my inner deepest thoughts and past demons to themselves.  It wasn't a secret.  It was part of who I was that I don't share with just anyone.  It was part of my past and it should have stayed there.  BUT when I told the story I believed I was helping, I believed that if I could share the same pain, my actions wouldn't be so heinous.

I never in my life believed it would plant a seed.  A seed of distrust that I will spend the rest of my life wishing I hadn't said a word, I will forever have to live with the fact that one story, one peice of my past changed so much.  One story, planted a seed of mistrust in someone who I trust with everything, who now, doesn't totally trust me.

To have someone in your life that doubts you, who feels they can't trust you is a horrible feeling to have.  There isn't any easy way to get trust back.

I've read and learned that to earn trust you must live an honest life as best you can.  You can't force anyone to trust you, Trust is learned, trust is earned.

And one of the peole that means the most to me, doesn't have that faith in me anymore.  So what to do?

And then there are the people who don't know you, don't totally get how you click.  But they form an opinion.  We all do it.  No one wants to be judgemental but we all do it.  These people can be very powerful.  They can influence others in their circle, in your circle, they can say a few simple words and if the seed of mistrust is planted, they can without a doubt water it.

I look at someone's past and I think to myself, that was their past.  If it's bad, it's not necessarily who they are now.  If it's good, I think the same.

We are taught not to talk to strangers, but to trust adults as kids.  Big contradiction.

Okay so I'm rambling tonight, maybe not so creative.  I'd like to get more into this topic but I guess here is the deal. 

If someone who you trusted told you a story.  Told you something dark about themselves.  Would you distrust them immediately?  Nope most likely not.

If someone else however told a story, an untrue story about someone in your life.  A story that watered the seed of mistrust in others.  Would you automatically believe them? 

Innocent until proven guilty?  Not so much.

Here is what I know.  I would never cheat on someone.  In fact, trust has been an issue with me for a long time.  I don't trust a lot of people, men specifically so if you are one of them, consider yourself lucky.  I'm a one guy gal.  Always have been, always will be.  I wouldn't keep harmful secrets from those I love.   I wouldn't want secrets kept from me.  I'm not someone who requires everyone in my life to be an open book.  No one has to tell me anything if they don't want to.  But if you doubt me, if you feel like you can't trust me, you need to tell me.  I don't know how I'd change your feelings but I can promise you this.  Over time, I will prove that if you are in my life.  My intimate close life.  Friend or otherwise.  I am someone you can trust.

Now you......tell me the truth........

Is there really someone out there for everyone?

So as I start to write this I am without my beloved. I am without courage and I am writing this in a relatively sane frame of mind, I think?. That’s right this blog is NOT brought to you by my beloved Smirnoff. Perhaps as I continue to write Smirnoff will make an appearance and then won’t this become an interesting blog?! I joke. I am much more at ease writing with a little liquid in my veins but I think I’m good enough with words to just start pounding these keys and honestly it's too cold to be drinking...Brrrrrr.

The inspiration for this blog comes from a lot of places. My dreams, my reality, my experiences and really it comes from my inability to sleep. Insomnia. Have you ever been so tired that you feel incredibly creative? So tired you’re bored and feel the need to do something different, be something different make a difference? Have you been so tired all you want to do is fight. My feistiness comes from being tired and then when I crash it’s ugly and so goes the rollercoaster of life.

Ohh how I can ramble. When I get tired, physically and emotionally I am at my worst and at my best. Winter is tough for me. Perhaps it’s the shorter days and longer nights, the lack of Vitamin D, I really don’t know but I’m restless in the winter. My brain is overactive and I don’t sleep but I’m incredibly tired. It’s a perfect marriage don’t you think?

So I write. It’s intermittent, sporadic and often makes little or no sense. Some of it I write and the world never sees, other times I write and I post. Just depends on my mood and what I feel like saying.

So on Halloween I went to see a psychic. She scared the living hell out of me. She “knew” too much. She knew about feelings I have towards people, she knew about some of my health issues, she knew about things that have happened in my not so distant past. One of the many things she told me was that she thought I might have a lot of headaches. I told her I didn’t. She asked if my brain hurt. I told her I say that all the time. “MY BRAIN HURTS”. It really doesn’t but what does happen with my brain is it NEVER shuts off. I’m always thinking, processing, analyzing, brooding, you name it. My brain is NEVER quiet. Many days I wish it would just “shhhhh”. She commented that my “head was very loud” and I needed to learn how to turn it off. If I didn’t my health would suffer. Yeah?! Is that how you explain all my “internal issues”. Now I have gallstones and an impending surgery. Coincidence? Hmm maybe? Maybe not?!

Did you know I’m a “Cancer”? That’s right. Turning off my brain isn’t an option for me. It’s what I do, it’s what I’ve always done. I’m also the oldest of 4. I’ve been taught to think first, to be responsible. Very rarely do I do anything without “contemplating everything first”. It’s worked for me I suppose but I’m tired of it. I don’t want to second guess anything anymore. I want to just jump and enjoy.

So where is all of this leading to and what is this topic anyways?! Well the other night I went out with some friends and we were talking and the topic of relationships came up. Of which I am far from an expert. The year 2010 hasn’t been a good one for a lot of my friends in the relationship zone, myself included so this topic is always a fun one for me. Note the sarcasm.

The question was posed: Is there someone out there for everyone? And if there is how do you find them? And how do you know? Do you just “know”? Is it something you learn? Or do most people simply settle? There were 3 of us out for drinks. Me and the one friend, single. The other friend, married for a very very long time. The conversation started more because I was whining about being single and yeah there isn’t enough Smirnoff yet for me to go into those details. So…..

My one friend, the single one shared a story about a relationship she had. It was bumpy, her friends did not approve of it and one even threatened to end their friendship should she stay with this guy. But throughout the entire relationship she knew it was right. It wasn’t perfect but for her, he was the one. He made her tick, he excited her, he comforted her, she didn’t say this but I could tell, when she was with him, she had “come home”. She was 100% herself with him.

Eventually she ended it, she second guessed her feelings and listened to those around her and she put a stop to it. They keep in touch but he moved on and she is left with her frustration and an ample amount of regret. Sometimes we listen to our friends and family because we believe they know what is best for us. And while they may think they know, until you are living in those shoes you could never know. So to listen to others or to listen to your heart?

As she was telling me this story I couldn’t help but see the pain in her eyes. It wasn’t what she had wanted to do. She still very much loved this guy. She still very much loves this guy. Eight years later.

Then she proceeded. “He was/is the only one for me. He was my one true love. I can’t find someone else because no one else compares to him. Whenever I’m with anyone else, he’s all I see and feel.” Now hindsight is 20/20 but who knows. Who ever knows how things will turn out but she regrets ever letting him go.

So did she know this intrinsically all along? Did fireworks go off when she met him? Or did she learn this after making that decision and letting him go?. No one will ever compare to him. I know from knowing her all these years that she has given several men an opportunity but it’s just never worked out. Not for lack of trying because she does. Unlike myself, she throws herself out there and takes control of her “single” life but there is a bar set and now everyone she’ll ever meet has to reach that bar. Well you know the math. So far, no one has. Will anyone ever? So long as he is in her heart and her mind, even if someone comes close to the bar, that bar just might elevate higher, will anyone ever knock that bar over? So what to do?! Live alone in the “what if’s”? She doesn’t, she lives life, she enjoys life and she has plenty of friends but in quiet times, in times of solitude he enters her mind and she grieves for what could have been.

So many people would say, “You deserve better”, “There is plenty of fish in the sea”, “You just have to get over him”, “You have to close the door on that part of your life”, “There will be another”. But after 8 years there isn’t another. In her eyes no one has come close and when she closes her eyes all she sees is him. I have used every single one of those phrases on my friends too and until now, I didn’t really every understand them. So much easier said than done.

So this entire conversation got me thinking…..always a dangerous thing to do. BRING on the Smirnoff…..NOW!

When you meet someone for the first time what sets them apart from all the others? I can speak to this, I think. How does someone become a part of your life? Does it happen the minute you meet or does it take time? Do some people click quicker than others or are you automatically just drawn to each other. Do you have control over it?

8 years ago I met this person. At work. I work in a company of over 100 people in one location alone. I remember everything about meeting this individual. I don’t remember meeting anyone else, not even the day when I met the gal who hired me. I have no recollection of being introduced to anyone, I don’t remember what my first day was like, I don’t remember my first week but I remember VIVIDLY shaking this individuals hand. I remember feeling this weird feeling of insane excitement and incredible calm. I remember what I was wearing, I remember what they were wearing and I remember the conversation vividly, I remember having no trouble looking them in the eyes (which has ALWAYS been an issue for me) I remember it perfectly. In fact creepy enough if I close my eyes I can re-enact the entire introduction.

For whatever reason I was drawn to this person and for years we worked together as the most amazing team I’m sure I’ll ever get to work with again in my life, why me?, why him? I don’t know. I may never know but we clicked. We clicked on this surreal weird level and many times even without asking, he knew what I needed when I needed it and was there for me always.

As time went on we became less great co-workers and more friends outside of work. We learned to trust each other more and more and then people started to talk. Apparently there was a sparkle in my eye when he was around, I was “talking” about him more and more often and I fought it, I denied it, I tried telling people they were crazy and didn’t know what they were talking about.

I don’t know what attracted me to this individual, I mean I know what did but the list could go on forever, I mean I don’t know what happened that day when he shook my hand, I don’t know why we became such a great team, I don’t know why I can’t imagine my life without him. He became incredibly special to me and my ego, my confidence (which sucked by the way) and my fear kicked in and when an opportunity may have knocked I slammed the door hard! No way could I possibly deserve someone like him. And honestly no door was ever open, there were lots of barriers and we were off limits to each other.

Over the years we have remained close and like I said I can’t imagine my life without him in it in some capacity. Why him though?

What was it that I felt when I shook his hand the first time? It was immediate and it’s burnt in my memory. I don’t know why, I’ve met many many people over the years, I have yet to have anything remotely close to that same reaction and feeling with anyone else. I’m always nervous meeting new people and shaking his hand that first time felt like I was shaking the hand of someone I had known my whole life. Like I said, incredible comfort and complete excitement, like “coming home”. This wasn’t over time, it was the first time. It scared me. It was weird. And it’s something I don’t think I will ever forget. It was something for years I tried to forget.

We both have walked very different paths in life and we are nothing more than friends who continue to walk very different paths in life but we are always drawn back to each other it seems in someway, is there a mutual attraction, at the risk of speaking for him, I would say yes to some degree there is, so why don’t we do something about it? Good question. Timing maybe? Years had passed without any contact between the two of us, life took totally different paths for both of us and then one day the sound of his voice after a long period of no contact and I’m rattled to my core, that same sense of calm excitement hit me for the 2nd time and I was dumbfounded – why does this keep happening to me? And why him?. He makes me nervous, he excites me, he scares me, he brings me more sense of calm and is one of the only people in my life that can make my brain “shhhhh” but when I’m not around him, he’s one of the reasons my brain won’t shut up. I can’t win. I have fought to keep him in my life and I have almost lost him, I have laughed with him almost as much as I have cried with him and I have decided that I will continue to fight if I have to, to keep him in my life. I don’t care what people think or say about it, I just know I need him in my life, in whatever way he can be.

One day almost 8 years ago, I met him and my life hasn’t been the same since. I was single before I met him and I am still single but the feelings my friend relayed to me about the “bar being set” hit a nerve with me. Maybe there is someone out there for you, whether or not you end up with them only time really ever can tell, but maybe life sets you on a path for the two of you to collide and maybe it is timing, maybe its nothing more than coincidence maybe it’s absoutely nothing. But if you have mini-explosions going off every time you hear this persons voice or feel their touch and if that happens the very first second you meet them and every single time after that, how do you forget that? If after 8 years this person is still in your life how do you ignore that?

And if you can’t be with this person now or in this lifetime does that mean they aren’t meant for you? This individual has set a bar, the bar is very high, this person to me has everything I’ve ever looked for and wanted in someone, this person brings out everything in me I've always kept guarded, he brings out in me the person I know I can be, he makes me want to be and do better, and in evaluating what this person means to me, it will take an incredible person to come even close to that bar. A standard has been set. Everything happens for a reason and for some reason this person was brought into my life and instead of being someone that just came and went or stayed for a while, this person found my heart and planted themselves (without realizing it) firmly. I don't know why, I can't explain it, all I know is I like having them in my life. I want him in my life. Its just that simple. We will always be friends and may not always be close but what he means to me will never change.

My single friend and I are a lot alike it seems now. Did I mention she was also a “Cancer”. Maybe this is a “Cancer” trait. I know its something I've never experienced. It's something I most likely will never experience again. Its frustrating, its confusing and its scary as hell but isn't that life.

Hold on, this is one rollercoaster I'm not getting off of. And for those looking to reach that bar, it's high but surely someone out there will eventually reach it....right?

Land of Regret....

So I had a dream last night. I remember very little of it. I remember it being a bad or not so great dream, I remember some of the people in it and I remember the main characters and I know I tossed and turned a lot. I also know that during this dream my legs kept cramping up. I get leg cramps every so often. I have no idea what causes them. And today I’m tired! So I didn’t sleep well at all. Makes for a long day and a tired brain. And a blog.

I remember a Christmas party many years ago. It was a massive very detailed event and I was I thought handling it great. Until the bottom fell out and everything started to go south. Still keeping my cool and remaining calm, I went down to the ballroom to make some last minute changes to some seating arrangements. My sister and a really good friend of mine were there at the time. For some reason I was going from one side of the room to the other for something and I “ran” up a set stairs. All of a sudden both my legs cramped simultaneously and all I could do was lower myself down to the ground and in a panic attempt to take my boots off. With help, I got them off and spent the rest of the night walking on tippy toes to relieve the pressure on the muscles that had clearly locked right up. Then I got into the sauce and felt no pain and before you knew it I was putting the boots back on and dancing up a storm. I spent 2 weeks limping, it was as if I had torn the muscles, yet I had done next to nothing to cause the cramp. Stress, dehydration, not enough calcium, you name it, I thought it, was told it and yet I never really knew what the deal was. I’ve had that happen several times since some times worse than others.

So last night or I guess this morning as I was dreaming, my legs were cramping which was weird?! Stressful dream maybe?. Wish I could remember that dream. What I do know is I woke up with this horrible feeling of regret.

People say you should just move on, not look back, and don’t regret anything. It was meant to happen the way it did. Easier said than done though right?

You hear people always say, I wish I had told them how I felt, or I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye, or I wish I would have, next time I’m going to – there is always something it seems…or is it just me? This regret I’m speaking of was something that happened not so long ago, yet I regret the way I chose to deal with it and now I’m left with this great feeling (note the sarcasm). I can’t change what’s been done. I can’t change my mind. I made the decision and now, well now I wish I had made it different and I have changed my mind but....whats done is done.

I regret my grad, if I could graduate again I’d do it all over again. I regret not travelling or saving money as much as I should have when I was younger, I regret not sticking up for myself sometimes, I regret letting go of potential relationships because of what people thought. I regret letting a friend tell me and believing her when she told me I wasn’t good enough for someone. I regret things I’ve done and ways I’ve acted sometimes and I work really really hard to try and let that all go. I can’t go back. I can’t change it or fix it either really. I just have to learn from it and keep going.

But honestly. If you could do things over again? Wouldn’t you?

I would. In a heartbeat. Sure not everything but I would - I would then, I would now.

Regret is interesting to me and I kinda wondered what the official definition was. I “think” I know what it means but thought I’d better check…..so…..

re•gret (ri gret′)

transitive verb regretted -•gret′•ted, regretting -•gret′•ting

1. to feel sorry about or mourn for (a person or thing gone, lost, etc.)

2. to feel troubled or remorseful over (something that has happened, one's own acts, etc.)

Origin: ME regretten < OFr regreter, to bewail the dead < re- + Gmc base as in OE gretan, ON grata, Goth gretan, to weep

noun

1. a troubled feeling or remorse over something that has happened, esp. over something that one has done or left undone

2. sorrow over a person or thing gone, lost, etc.

It’s that feeling when you say no to something you’re not sure or convinced you should when everything in you and your heart is saying yes. Then when you change your mind often it’s too late. It’s that feeling when you say hurtful things to someone you love and instantly wish you could take it back. It’s that horrible feeling you get when you are presented an incredible opportunity yet you choose to walk away from it. Gut or intuition? Right or wrong morals? Ethics & beliefs?

So why do we regret anything? If when we turn down offers, or say hurtful things, or just go with the flow why don’t we feel at peace with that? What is it in us that allows us to walk away or be defensive. If it was meant to be, wouldn’t it then just happen and fall into place? I believe in the law of attraction but what if you believe there is a time and place for everything? What if by saying no, you’re pushing back against what the universe is saying loud and clear to you, that the universe is SCREAMING at you that YES YES YES don’t say no?! Why push so hard?

I personally think its fear. Fear in some is stronger than in others. Those who have been hurt in the past aren’t as quick to trust and I don’t mean trust the other person(s), I mean trust themselves. Some don’t move forwards or go for what they want because of confidence issues. You’re not good enough, skinny enough, pretty enough, smart enough, talented enough etc. etc. But you KNOW in your heart you are all those things and you deserve the very things you want in life. Yet you let the voices in your head tell you to back off, stay away or turn it down. You don’t look for more money in a job, you walk away from potentially amazing relationships, you say things you don’t mean, you hurt people without trying to, you stay in a career that makes you feel trapped and you wish you could do different. You walk away from job offers, relationships, family members, friends. You say one thing and feel the other. Or you say one thing, feel it but regret ever saying it. You want one thing but settle for less or nothing.

But you know you could, you know you could have what it is you want, you know you could land that job, be in that relationship, you could have in life everything you wanted if you didn’t decide to “walk away” from it.. So you regret it. How do you get out of this vicious circle? I suppose you have to walk straight into the wall of fear or the denial and bust its doors down.

I haven’t really yet figured that out. I would do a lot of things differently. I would also not change a lot of things.

But to make a decision and think it’s the right one and feel like its not. Heart and Brain…totally not talking to each other. That sucks.

Why is it that the one thing you’ve wanted for as long as you can remember could all of a sudden be right in front of you but you deny it, you don’t believe it you don’t feel worthy. And then you loose it. And then….YUP you regret that you didn’t act, didn’t move faster, didn’t say or do what you should have.

What I do know is I don’t like the feeling I woke up with this morning. I don’t like regretting decisions I’ve made and I would do anything to go back and knock down those walls.

But…I suppose if it was meant to happen for me. A second chance is right around the corner. Or so says the Universe….and instead of backing down, I’m walking straight into those walls this time and I won't be hitting them on my way through....going straight through.