So as I start to write this I am without my beloved. I am without courage and I am writing this in a relatively sane frame of mind, I think?. That’s right this blog is NOT brought to you by my beloved Smirnoff. Perhaps as I continue to write Smirnoff will make an appearance and then won’t this become an interesting blog?! I joke. I am much more at ease writing with a little liquid in my veins but I think I’m good enough with words to just start pounding these keys and honestly it's too cold to be drinking...Brrrrrr.
The inspiration for this blog comes from a lot of places. My dreams, my reality, my experiences and really it comes from my inability to sleep. Insomnia. Have you ever been so tired that you feel incredibly creative? So tired you’re bored and feel the need to do something different, be something different make a difference? Have you been so tired all you want to do is fight. My feistiness comes from being tired and then when I crash it’s ugly and so goes the rollercoaster of life.
Ohh how I can ramble. When I get tired, physically and emotionally I am at my worst and at my best. Winter is tough for me. Perhaps it’s the shorter days and longer nights, the lack of Vitamin D, I really don’t know but I’m restless in the winter. My brain is overactive and I don’t sleep but I’m incredibly tired. It’s a perfect marriage don’t you think?
So I write. It’s intermittent, sporadic and often makes little or no sense. Some of it I write and the world never sees, other times I write and I post. Just depends on my mood and what I feel like saying.
So on Halloween I went to see a psychic. She scared the living hell out of me. She “knew” too much. She knew about feelings I have towards people, she knew about some of my health issues, she knew about things that have happened in my not so distant past. One of the many things she told me was that she thought I might have a lot of headaches. I told her I didn’t. She asked if my brain hurt. I told her I say that all the time. “MY BRAIN HURTS”. It really doesn’t but what does happen with my brain is it NEVER shuts off. I’m always thinking, processing, analyzing, brooding, you name it. My brain is NEVER quiet. Many days I wish it would just “shhhhh”. She commented that my “head was very loud” and I needed to learn how to turn it off. If I didn’t my health would suffer. Yeah?! Is that how you explain all my “internal issues”. Now I have gallstones and an impending surgery. Coincidence? Hmm maybe? Maybe not?!
Did you know I’m a “Cancer”? That’s right. Turning off my brain isn’t an option for me. It’s what I do, it’s what I’ve always done. I’m also the oldest of 4. I’ve been taught to think first, to be responsible. Very rarely do I do anything without “contemplating everything first”. It’s worked for me I suppose but I’m tired of it. I don’t want to second guess anything anymore. I want to just jump and enjoy.
So where is all of this leading to and what is this topic anyways?! Well the other night I went out with some friends and we were talking and the topic of relationships came up. Of which I am far from an expert. The year 2010 hasn’t been a good one for a lot of my friends in the relationship zone, myself included so this topic is always a fun one for me. Note the sarcasm.
The question was posed: Is there someone out there for everyone? And if there is how do you find them? And how do you know? Do you just “know”? Is it something you learn? Or do most people simply settle? There were 3 of us out for drinks. Me and the one friend, single. The other friend, married for a very very long time. The conversation started more because I was whining about being single and yeah there isn’t enough Smirnoff yet for me to go into those details. So…..
My one friend, the single one shared a story about a relationship she had. It was bumpy, her friends did not approve of it and one even threatened to end their friendship should she stay with this guy. But throughout the entire relationship she knew it was right. It wasn’t perfect but for her, he was the one. He made her tick, he excited her, he comforted her, she didn’t say this but I could tell, when she was with him, she had “come home”. She was 100% herself with him.
Eventually she ended it, she second guessed her feelings and listened to those around her and she put a stop to it. They keep in touch but he moved on and she is left with her frustration and an ample amount of regret. Sometimes we listen to our friends and family because we believe they know what is best for us. And while they may think they know, until you are living in those shoes you could never know. So to listen to others or to listen to your heart?
As she was telling me this story I couldn’t help but see the pain in her eyes. It wasn’t what she had wanted to do. She still very much loved this guy. She still very much loves this guy. Eight years later.
Then she proceeded. “He was/is the only one for me. He was my one true love. I can’t find someone else because no one else compares to him. Whenever I’m with anyone else, he’s all I see and feel.” Now hindsight is 20/20 but who knows. Who ever knows how things will turn out but she regrets ever letting him go.
So did she know this intrinsically all along? Did fireworks go off when she met him? Or did she learn this after making that decision and letting him go?. No one will ever compare to him. I know from knowing her all these years that she has given several men an opportunity but it’s just never worked out. Not for lack of trying because she does. Unlike myself, she throws herself out there and takes control of her “single” life but there is a bar set and now everyone she’ll ever meet has to reach that bar. Well you know the math. So far, no one has. Will anyone ever? So long as he is in her heart and her mind, even if someone comes close to the bar, that bar just might elevate higher, will anyone ever knock that bar over? So what to do?! Live alone in the “what if’s”? She doesn’t, she lives life, she enjoys life and she has plenty of friends but in quiet times, in times of solitude he enters her mind and she grieves for what could have been.
So many people would say, “You deserve better”, “There is plenty of fish in the sea”, “You just have to get over him”, “You have to close the door on that part of your life”, “There will be another”. But after 8 years there isn’t another. In her eyes no one has come close and when she closes her eyes all she sees is him. I have used every single one of those phrases on my friends too and until now, I didn’t really every understand them. So much easier said than done.
So this entire conversation got me thinking…..always a dangerous thing to do. BRING on the Smirnoff…..NOW!
When you meet someone for the first time what sets them apart from all the others? I can speak to this, I think. How does someone become a part of your life? Does it happen the minute you meet or does it take time? Do some people click quicker than others or are you automatically just drawn to each other. Do you have control over it?
8 years ago I met this person. At work. I work in a company of over 100 people in one location alone. I remember everything about meeting this individual. I don’t remember meeting anyone else, not even the day when I met the gal who hired me. I have no recollection of being introduced to anyone, I don’t remember what my first day was like, I don’t remember my first week but I remember VIVIDLY shaking this individuals hand. I remember feeling this weird feeling of insane excitement and incredible calm. I remember what I was wearing, I remember what they were wearing and I remember the conversation vividly, I remember having no trouble looking them in the eyes (which has ALWAYS been an issue for me) I remember it perfectly. In fact creepy enough if I close my eyes I can re-enact the entire introduction.
For whatever reason I was drawn to this person and for years we worked together as the most amazing team I’m sure I’ll ever get to work with again in my life, why me?, why him? I don’t know. I may never know but we clicked. We clicked on this surreal weird level and many times even without asking, he knew what I needed when I needed it and was there for me always.
As time went on we became less great co-workers and more friends outside of work. We learned to trust each other more and more and then people started to talk. Apparently there was a sparkle in my eye when he was around, I was “talking” about him more and more often and I fought it, I denied it, I tried telling people they were crazy and didn’t know what they were talking about.
I don’t know what attracted me to this individual, I mean I know what did but the list could go on forever, I mean I don’t know what happened that day when he shook my hand, I don’t know why we became such a great team, I don’t know why I can’t imagine my life without him. He became incredibly special to me and my ego, my confidence (which sucked by the way) and my fear kicked in and when an opportunity may have knocked I slammed the door hard! No way could I possibly deserve someone like him. And honestly no door was ever open, there were lots of barriers and we were off limits to each other.
Over the years we have remained close and like I said I can’t imagine my life without him in it in some capacity. Why him though?
What was it that I felt when I shook his hand the first time? It was immediate and it’s burnt in my memory. I don’t know why, I’ve met many many people over the years, I have yet to have anything remotely close to that same reaction and feeling with anyone else. I’m always nervous meeting new people and shaking his hand that first time felt like I was shaking the hand of someone I had known my whole life. Like I said, incredible comfort and complete excitement, like “coming home”. This wasn’t over time, it was the first time. It scared me. It was weird. And it’s something I don’t think I will ever forget. It was something for years I tried to forget.
We both have walked very different paths in life and we are nothing more than friends who continue to walk very different paths in life but we are always drawn back to each other it seems in someway, is there a mutual attraction, at the risk of speaking for him, I would say yes to some degree there is, so why don’t we do something about it? Good question. Timing maybe? Years had passed without any contact between the two of us, life took totally different paths for both of us and then one day the sound of his voice after a long period of no contact and I’m rattled to my core, that same sense of calm excitement hit me for the 2nd time and I was dumbfounded – why does this keep happening to me? And why him?. He makes me nervous, he excites me, he scares me, he brings me more sense of calm and is one of the only people in my life that can make my brain “shhhhh” but when I’m not around him, he’s one of the reasons my brain won’t shut up. I can’t win. I have fought to keep him in my life and I have almost lost him, I have laughed with him almost as much as I have cried with him and I have decided that I will continue to fight if I have to, to keep him in my life. I don’t care what people think or say about it, I just know I need him in my life, in whatever way he can be.
One day almost 8 years ago, I met him and my life hasn’t been the same since. I was single before I met him and I am still single but the feelings my friend relayed to me about the “bar being set” hit a nerve with me. Maybe there is someone out there for you, whether or not you end up with them only time really ever can tell, but maybe life sets you on a path for the two of you to collide and maybe it is timing, maybe its nothing more than coincidence maybe it’s absoutely nothing. But if you have mini-explosions going off every time you hear this persons voice or feel their touch and if that happens the very first second you meet them and every single time after that, how do you forget that? If after 8 years this person is still in your life how do you ignore that?
And if you can’t be with this person now or in this lifetime does that mean they aren’t meant for you? This individual has set a bar, the bar is very high, this person to me has everything I’ve ever looked for and wanted in someone, this person brings out everything in me I've always kept guarded, he brings out in me the person I know I can be, he makes me want to be and do better, and in evaluating what this person means to me, it will take an incredible person to come even close to that bar. A standard has been set. Everything happens for a reason and for some reason this person was brought into my life and instead of being someone that just came and went or stayed for a while, this person found my heart and planted themselves (without realizing it) firmly. I don't know why, I can't explain it, all I know is I like having them in my life. I want him in my life. Its just that simple. We will always be friends and may not always be close but what he means to me will never change.
My single friend and I are a lot alike it seems now. Did I mention she was also a “Cancer”. Maybe this is a “Cancer” trait. I know its something I've never experienced. It's something I most likely will never experience again. Its frustrating, its confusing and its scary as hell but isn't that life.
Hold on, this is one rollercoaster I'm not getting off of. And for those looking to reach that bar, it's high but surely someone out there will eventually reach it....right?
