My Butterfly Circus

So I've been tardy with the blogging.  Seems I get "blogged" down with life and chronicling my life just isn't a priority.  Or is it?

Today something happened that was blog worthy.  Well really, lots in my life is worth writing about but today I saw a short film that resonated with me in a way I haven't experienced in a while.

At work lately we are working on building Teams through Leadership.  Learning about Leadership, learning about how to work with people and how to look to yourself for the solutions to your everyday hardships and problems.

For example, you have a conflict with a fellow coworker or friend.  Very quickly we lay blame on the other party but really, is it not in our reactions that we are the most vulnerable.  What if we understood where the other person was coming from.  Would we react the same way?  If we just took a second to consider it.

So the person in charge of teaching us these Leadership skills at work lately knows I LOVE learning and I'm like a sponge with this kind of thing.  I love learning about people, I love learning about myself and I am on a road to trying to be a better person, a better daughter, a better sister, friend and lover.  I have a lifetime of lessons to learn and if someone is willing to teach....well I have open ears and heart.

He came to me this afternoon and recommended I watch a video.  It's a short film called "The Butterfly Circus".  He simply said, "It's "MY" Journey" meaning his journey not mine.  I opened the link and learned it was 20 minute video so opted to watch it after work.  I was grateful for that decision after watching it.

When you watch the movie (link provided below), please keep an eye on the "limbless man".  Watch his eyes.  If eyes are the window to someones soul, this man deserves an Oscar because it is as if he doesn't even need to act to display his feelings.

I saw the "Leadership" message in the film.  The Circus Ring Leader with both Circus's are perfect examples of the kinds of people we have in our lives.  We have people who knock us down and we have people who lift us up.  But why do we allow one more than the other into our lives?

What makes us not believe we are loved enough, valued enough, skinny enough, pretty enough, smart enough, talented enough, funny enough......

Why is it we believe people?  People who want to knock us down, people who don't care about us.  Often it is those people we entrust our "lives" to.  We don't aspire to do better or be better because someone made us feel or told us we couldn't be.  And WE BELIEVE IT.

Yes, often times we are strong enough to push these people aside, we choose not have them in our lives, but often we are so vulnerable we don't believe we deserve better.

"You're not sophisticated enough", "You think you're a good father? / Mother?" "Do you REALLY think he's attracted to girls like you", "I'm so not his/her type", "I can't do better", "Maybe I don't deserve more".

SELF DEFEATING Thoughts.  Thoughts we have put in our heads or people have put in our heads for us.  Thoughts we have chosen to believe in moments of weakness.

But then there are the people in your life.  In your Butterfly Circus.  They lift you up, they make you believe you can do better, be better.  Their mere presence in your life makes you want to do better. 

You believe you deserve good things.  You feel empowered.  THESE are the people we need in our lives.  These are the people we should listen to. 

I have been so fortunate in my life to have a Butterfly Circus of my own.  It's a small group of people who believe in me, who believe I can do and accomplish anything and with them beside me, I feel like I have.  At different parts of my life they have played different roles but they are my absolute diamonds in my life.  They have made me feel beautiful.  They have made me feel successful, they have stood by me and believed in me when I didn't believe in myself.  Most of them, stand by me still.
I love my Butterfly Circus.  I might be the oddest of the bunch but I'm learning and growing everyday and I know I never want to be part of a Circus Sideshow.  I'm worth more than that.

I hope you enjoy the video as much as I did.  The meanings and metaphors in this small clip are countless.

http://thebutterflycircus.com/short-film/

Tell me the Truth......

Feeling a little creative tonight.  Haven't written in this blog for sometime now because I've been focused on my physical health and spent a bit of time working on my other blog (about health) and even that I've neglected really.  It's sad.  Sometimes I wish I didn't get bored physically writing with paper and pen.  I might actually keep a diary if I enjoyed writing as much as I do typing my writing.

Ramble, Ramble Ramble.  So tonight's topic.  Truth.  Trust.

What is Truth? What is Trust?

The traditional definition of  Trust is: Firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character of a person or thing.

So we learn to trust people.  Do we intrinsically trust them.  Does trust take time or is it that spidey sense we get when we first meet someone.

You might trust someone to not hurt you, use you or lie to you.  You might trust someone with your life.  But every relationship is based on trust.  You go into a relationship and not just the romantic type trusting that you are trusted.

Wow did that make any sense?

Okay.  So here is the thing.  When you first meet someone.  You get a feeling.  It's immediate.  In split seconds you decide whether or not that person is someone you can trust.  Over time you learn they either are, or aren't.

Often relationships are formed.  Incredible friendships, lovers, life long partners.  Sometimes you feel good about the person you meet but nothing turns out.  No future relationship of any kind.  You literally pass like ships in the night. 

But often relationships are formed.  Years of learning about someone, sharing with someone, believing someone.  You LEARN to trust them.

And in the blink of an eye, it can all fall apart.

Trust is a funny thing.  It's funny because it's not really ever talked about until it becomes an issue.

I personally pride myself on keeping very few people close to my heart.  I have entrusted my deepest inner thoughts to no more than a handful of people in my life.  I, with no hesitation or limit believe these people are people I can TRUST with everything in me.  They are people I have made a pledge to keep in my life because with them I feel a deep connection.  I know that what I say or tell them is safe with them.  Or so I thought.

Not so long ago, this was tested.  Sadly it continues to be tested. 

What happens when someone that trusts you, decides they can't anymore.  They doubt you, they change the way they see you and think about you.

Never in my life have I been told anything worse than "I don't trust you".  Breaks my heart to hear those words.  Especially when they come out of the mouth of someone you have full faith and trust in.

So.......story time:

A long time ago, I told someone a story about me.  It was a story about a time in my life when I wasn't so proud of myself.  My confidence was horrible and I was hurt.  I did something that was stupid and childish.  It doesn't matter what that story is, what does matter is that I told this story to someone who I trusted with every fiber in my body.  I told this story because I could relate to a situation that said person was going through.

I trusted that the story  I was telling wouldn't be held against me, that I wouldn't be judged by it.  I told it to relate.  I told it because I had decided that this person was safe in keeping my inner deepest thoughts and past demons to themselves.  It wasn't a secret.  It was part of who I was that I don't share with just anyone.  It was part of my past and it should have stayed there.  BUT when I told the story I believed I was helping, I believed that if I could share the same pain, my actions wouldn't be so heinous.

I never in my life believed it would plant a seed.  A seed of distrust that I will spend the rest of my life wishing I hadn't said a word, I will forever have to live with the fact that one story, one peice of my past changed so much.  One story, planted a seed of mistrust in someone who I trust with everything, who now, doesn't totally trust me.

To have someone in your life that doubts you, who feels they can't trust you is a horrible feeling to have.  There isn't any easy way to get trust back.

I've read and learned that to earn trust you must live an honest life as best you can.  You can't force anyone to trust you, Trust is learned, trust is earned.

And one of the peole that means the most to me, doesn't have that faith in me anymore.  So what to do?

And then there are the people who don't know you, don't totally get how you click.  But they form an opinion.  We all do it.  No one wants to be judgemental but we all do it.  These people can be very powerful.  They can influence others in their circle, in your circle, they can say a few simple words and if the seed of mistrust is planted, they can without a doubt water it.

I look at someone's past and I think to myself, that was their past.  If it's bad, it's not necessarily who they are now.  If it's good, I think the same.

We are taught not to talk to strangers, but to trust adults as kids.  Big contradiction.

Okay so I'm rambling tonight, maybe not so creative.  I'd like to get more into this topic but I guess here is the deal. 

If someone who you trusted told you a story.  Told you something dark about themselves.  Would you distrust them immediately?  Nope most likely not.

If someone else however told a story, an untrue story about someone in your life.  A story that watered the seed of mistrust in others.  Would you automatically believe them? 

Innocent until proven guilty?  Not so much.

Here is what I know.  I would never cheat on someone.  In fact, trust has been an issue with me for a long time.  I don't trust a lot of people, men specifically so if you are one of them, consider yourself lucky.  I'm a one guy gal.  Always have been, always will be.  I wouldn't keep harmful secrets from those I love.   I wouldn't want secrets kept from me.  I'm not someone who requires everyone in my life to be an open book.  No one has to tell me anything if they don't want to.  But if you doubt me, if you feel like you can't trust me, you need to tell me.  I don't know how I'd change your feelings but I can promise you this.  Over time, I will prove that if you are in my life.  My intimate close life.  Friend or otherwise.  I am someone you can trust.

Now you......tell me the truth........