Today for some reason has been a tough one. Every now and again, memories flood my brain and they consume me. I've always been like this. Especially with memories I felt intense emotion with. I'm not a fan. But it's who I am. Take it or leave it. I have a photographic memory and a photographic heart.
I've also been toying about writing a book and in toying with this idea I've also been re-hashing a lot of things - I'm super good at that. Give me a past and I will remember it. I've been talking about writing this book for what feels like forever. I have no idea where to start, I want it to be a forgiving, loving book but it's content really isn't. I want to write about a kind of relationship experience that I'm sure many have experienced. About intense love, incredible loss and the breakdown of a trusting long term friendship. Seems generic enough? I promise - this is no generic story.
It's a book about life lessons, ignored signs, manipulation, selfishness, longing, lust and love. It's about friendship, betrayal, trust, and grief. It's about life. In the span of 3 years I have managed to experience every single emotion I believe known to man. I've slide up one side of that hill and plummeted straight down to the bottom.
I've had some amazing highs and some incredible lows. I have loved. And I have lost.
So is this book about not getting "over" things or allowing me to dwell in the past? Well I don't believe you "get over" "things" and I'm not dwelling in the past. I believe that you eventually learn and grow and find better ways of dealing with your emotions. I believe that you slowly lean back into life and keep living. You always remember, the degree of your feeling diminishes but you never really forget. You learn, you live, you love, you share and eventually you remember again how to dance. I believe I have a story to be told.
So you take all those positive words and notions and throw in the negative words and what are you left with?? That's right, a really bad headache. A book with no beginning and no end.
BUT, that can't be. The drive to write this thing naws and nags at me every day. I think; maybe I just want to write it to tell *my* story, to "get over" it, to put it to bed once and for all. Or maybe it's to tell someone else's story. Maybe I want to write this so that I can believe again. Maybe I want to write this so that I can make sense of it. Maybe its because I feel like my side of the story has yet to be told. Maybe it's to restore the beliefs I once had. Maybe, maybe it's so that if someone else reads it, they won't feel alone like I did. Maybe I should just shelf the idea indefinately and call it the end.
But what?. What about this experience is nagging at me unlike anything else before?? Was it the raw emotion? The hope for something amazing? Was it because I had never before experienced emotion like I had with this experience? Was it because of the loss I felt, because of the frustration, because of the love?. And why did I feel such a loss, why do I call it love? Was it the loss of an ideal; the way I thought things could be, the loss of a dream or was it the loss of heart and true love.
I don't know what it is. I just know somehow someway I have to write this thing.
I had a title all picked out. It was a play on words, it was brilliant in my opinion but it focused on the negative in a way I'm not so convinced it should go. I don't want the story I'm going to tell to focus all on the negative - there will be enough negative in this story, using a negative title won't do it any more justice.
So what if I change that thought process. Look at the whole experience the way I have been struggling to look at it. What if I looked at it not from the ugly place and thing it became, but from a place of where it started? From a place of love. A place of peace. A place of trust. What if I start it at the beginning. What if........
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